I was talking to Mary (my wife) the other day about this blog. When I started it was intended to just be a place for me to start putting down my thoughts and experiences that have been stored away and dragging me down. A place to put the toxic feelings of anger,depression, regret, fear and guilt. I guess you could call it a toxic dumpster. LOL
This was not intended to be shared. I thought this would be a safe place for me to take the garbage out without having to talk to a therapist. It’s also a lot cheaper! I honestly don’t care about the cost of therapy, but I fear the thought of being in a room with somebody who won’t let me joke my way out of true self evaluation. Sharing my thoughts and feelings is pretty frightening. I don’t know how people do it.
After my first blog, or post, or whatever they call these things, I looked around this site and found countless other people who had similar issues or experiences. I realized that somebody might benefit from reading this. I especially hope that somebody who is young and hasn’t spent over half of their life suppressing this garbage can see that there is nothing to be gained by trying to be strong. I’d like them to realize that by building up emotional armor is not strengthening their mind or their soul.
Mary started her own blog recently, speakingincursive.net, and like our personalities, it is completely opposite of mine. She is optimistic, funny and has a beautiful soul. She is not perfect, but her acknowledgement of that fact makes her even more perfect in my eyes. (If that makes any sense). I asked her “who the hell would want to read what I write?” It is so dark, and as I go forward, I haven’t scratched the surface of some of my worst experiences.She encouraged me to keep going, that eventually the darkness will give way to some light.
So, I’ll keep going as memories surface and put them to paper instead of the vault from hell. So, if you are one of my massive audience (of less than five people) lol, be prepared for some real heartwarming episodes!