I recently heard this song while driving and it hit me like a ton of bricks. Music tends to do that to me. It reaches places that I prefer to lock away. From the first words I was hooked. As it began, it pained me. Then it encouraged me. And finally it filled me with hope and thanks.

You’re shattered
Like you’ve never been before
The life you knew
In a thousand pieces on the floor
And words fall short in times like these
When this world drives you to your knees
You think you’re never gonna get back
To the you that used to be

Have you been there? Have you ever been to the point where you thought you were broken beyond repair? Where you were calling out to whoever or whatever was out there? Where the only voice you heard was your own echoing back? Helpless, hopeless, thirsting without quenching. It seems like a place I’m much too familiar with. It seems like your body becomes conditioned to this and your skin gets progressively thicker and your heart progressively harder.

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again

Let go of the past. Let go of the guilt and shame. The past is an anchor keeping you from happiness in the present. Sound familiar? That is what is told to those of us who have been carrying the chains of our past with us for most of our lives. What a ridiculous concept, right? I mean, just “let it go”, “snap out of it”, “leave the past in the past”……..  Sounds so simple.  If it was that easy, why does it seem like there are more therapists than bars in Wisconsin? Someday I may even find myself sitting in a therapists office, although I can’t even imagine how that scenario would play out.

Anyway…. the advice sounds good, though impractical. If it were a matter of just closing a door I wouldn’t have spent this long with a monster on my back. However, I am finally realizing that it doesn’t happen in a day. I always want immediate gratification. I want to compartmentalize. As I said earlier in a previous post, I had given myself one week to grieve my father’s death. I never cried during that week. When the week was over I thought to myself, “that went well”. The week is over and I don’t have to deal with that anymore. Well, we all know how that played itself out. Very rarely do emotions and feelings change in a blink of an eye. It takes time and work. It takes true effort, not just pushing it into your internal vault hoping it will never overflow. Because it always overflows. You never know how or when or where. It could be inappropriate anger or frustration. Or unexpected emotion over a movie or a song. Emotion is just trying to burst out of that vault and causes unexpected leaks. “Single tears” lol.

Beginning
Just let that word wash over you
It’s alright now
Love’s healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up, take step one
Leave the darkness, feel the sun
Cause your story’s far from over
And your journey’s just begun

 

Such hope in these words. Inspiration. “Beginning…., just let that word wash over you”. It almost gives me chills. Take one step and leave the darkness, feel the sun…  Wonderful. It is so hopeful and uplifting. Now the hard part is putting it into practice. Battling the reflexive cynical response that flows out so effortlessly. I’ve been thinking more and more about the future lately. To moving “up north” and finding a home surrounded by trees and near lakes. A peaceful place where I can walk and fish with Mary and just live and enjoy nature. Perhaps this is what I need to focus on.

Let every heartbreak
And every scar
Be a picture that reminds you
Who has carried you this far
‘Cause love sees farther than you ever could
In this moment heaven’s working
Everything for your good

Abandonment, abuse, neglect, deceit, fear, anger, distrust, unfaithfulness, are just among some of the invisible scars that are carried daily. When I read the above lyrics it fills me with guilt. I do believe in my Savior. I do believe that he can carry these burdens. Perhaps I’ve never truly given them over. That is something of a recurring theme, and something that this blog will hopefully keep me focused on. I hope, in time, this becomes a safer place. Not dominated by demons and darkness, but more hope and light. That is my goal. That is why I am going against every fibre of my makeup by opening up and putting these thoughts to paper.

Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday’s a closing door
You don’t live there anymore
Say goodbye to where you’ve been
And tell your heart to beat again
Your heart to beat again
Beat again

Oh, so tell your heart to beat again